Amuse me I perform Skittles evolution testing.

I mash two together, and eat the one that cracks first, and save the victor in my "Round One" bowl. I then repeat until I have gone through all the Skittles, and eaten half of them.

I do the same with the Skittles in the "Round One" bowl, placing the victors in the "Round Two" bowl.

Many bowls later, I am left with the two strongest Skittles. I then begin more rigorous endurance testing including the "water dip", and various kinds of impact testing.

I eat the loser, and preserve the newly designated "Skittles Champion" in the "Skittles Champion" bowl.

When I have enough in the "Skittle Champion" bowl, I will perform the "Skittles Best of the Best Strong Candy with Flava" competition, and designate a world champion.

I will then eat him.


I got another god damned ticket now... A small excerpt.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: No but I suppose you're going to enlighten me?

Officer: Don't get a smart mouth son.

Me: Dad?! I've been looking for you all my life!

*Officer proceeds to pull me from car and nightstick my skull*


One time my mother was making spaghetti and I asked her what she was putting in the sauce and she told me "Bay Leaves", only I thought she said "Babies". At which point in time I became very upset that she was putting babies in the spaghetti sauce. I figured it was only a matter of time before she'd move on to slightly older children such as myself.


"PEEP JOUSTING" - excellent Easter party trick:

1. Place two peeps facing eachother, about 1 1/2 inches apart, on a plate.

2. Put a toothpick into the right front side of each one so that the end is about 1/2 inch from the other one, about to stab it.

3. Place peeps in microwave, turn microwave on.

Peeps will expand. The peep that stabs the other first is the joust winner. You will either find this incredibly stupid, or laugh wholeheartedly. Or both.